Lynchburg, Virginia — Liberty University President Jerry Falwell Jr. announced his institution will stop following Jesus Christ. Instead, the formerly Christian college will now serve Satan.
“Satan is a really nice guy and he gave us a much better deal than Jesus,” Falwell tells reporters. “So we’re going to teach Satanism and join the Church of Satan.”
When asked about the mass resignation of Liberty’s faculty in protest of the change of religions. Falwell said he was was not worried.
“I already hired a way cheaper bunch of instructors from Ready Man Labor,” Falwell says. “Some of them can even read and write.”
Falwell adds, “plus we’re going to save even more money by replacing the business school with videos of old Trump University lectures. Donald gave me a great deal on them.”
“We’re gonna replace the political science faculty with videos of Trump speeches,” Falwell says. “It’ll be really inspirational. Donald is a genius.”
“Then we’re going to replace the history faculty with old movies,” Falwell claims. “For instance, the students can learn all about the American Revolution from Mel Gibson’s The Patriot, World War II from Captain America, recent history from The Trump Prophecy, and Vietnam from John Wayne in The Green Berets. That way parents will not have to worry about their kids seeing any anti-American propaganda in history class.”
“As for theology, my new pal Antichrist is going to teach that for free; he’s a really swell fellow. I’m sure the students will learn a lot from him,” Falwell says.
“I’ve hired Cabana Boy as the new Chancellor and head of the business school and athletic director,” Falwell adds. “I’m sure he’ll do a great job of running the college. He’s had some great business experience cleaning pools down in Miami. Plus we’re opening a second campus for Gay students in Miami Beach soon, I already have the dormitory Miami Hostel.”
Falwell refused to comment on rumors Liberty University is about to lose its accreditation. Plus Falwell referred all questions about the lawsuits angry students are filing against Liberty University to his attorneys.